Let It SNOW Let It SNOW

One thing that is so fun with subbing - Snow days
One thing that is not so fun with subbing - Not getting paid for that day off like a regular teacher does

The excitement of a possible snow day is the same as when you're a child, the wonderful possibility of a random day off is rewarding and gives one a chance to rest, chill out, and even play if there is enough of the white stuff on the ground. The anxiety that awaits the snow day is also noteworthy here, staring at the schools on the news popping up, constantly checking the lists online, hoping and praying your school comes up before you go to bed so you can sleep soundly and set the alarm a few hours back. Otherwise, you get up early to check, and for me, that kinda ruins the snow day glory because then you're awake and have to settle back down to try and catch some extra sleep. Don't get me wrong I can fall asleep, but knowing the night before is indeed the ideal situation. :)

Inspiration

While scouting around this site, I found some incredible blogs that I love. The real people, the ones who share who they are and what they are about are the ones that are worth reading.

I used to write in a xanga in high school and college - I still have it in fact - but no one reads it anymore. Facebook is the new xanga. And I admit, I spend countless hours on it, but for what purpose I ask myself? To see new pictures, sure, to check out what my friends are doing, sure, to snoop around and see what is going on since I feel out of the loop sometimes, absolutely. There are now games on facebook- mafia wars, farmville, yoville, petville, etc. I myself am addicted to farmville, I guess it connects to my 'little house on the prairie' love from my childhood. But why? I guess because it's the thing to do? Sad reality isn't it? But everyone does it, it's how 'my generation' is staying connected. We post pictures, status updates, events, groups, and links to share with friends. It allows a mass amount of people to see what you care about with as little reading to do as possible. Sure you can post notes and tag people in them so they hopefully decide to read it before they click to the next person. It's an immediate, quick way to gain and access information about someone else without ever actually talking or listening to them....how will this impact our lives down the road? Enough of that for now...

Back to my 'inspiration.' I am following one person currently. (Ok, I think maybe 2?) I am not sure exactly how to check that.. But this person is a real mom and wife. Her posts warmed my heart. She has a purpose in her life and finds joy in the little things. Where is my joy? I am blessed for sure, I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a warm place to sleep, a husband to keep me cuddled at night, and a puppy who is my constant shadow in his eyes I do no wrong.

And yet, in all this I feel purposeless, useless, and worthless. I know I am not, but I feel it keenly. My job consists of me not knowing where I am going from day to day, or even if I will be working. Some nights I lay my head down and wake to the phone ringing at 5:45 am, or 7:30am to an automated system telling me about a job for that day and the reporting time is 8:30am.

My husband is the full time worker, he dutifully goes to work every morning to support us, I am grateful for him, for his dedication, for his love. Without him we would be living in someone's house if they let us impose on them for that matter.

While I wait for a more permanent job, the one I have leaves me feeling useless. I go in to a school, I smile and say hi, make nice with teachers, do my best, and hope word spreads that I fulfilled my duty and kept the children from breaking out into complete chaos and maybe actually learned something. I heard the road to a full time elementary teaching position is a tough one, a competitive one. I feel that I am called to be in public schools, somewhere...I don't know why, but when I was interviewed by my alma mater for a first grade teacher position I just did not feel right about it. I know in my heart now it was not for me, but the need for a 'real job' was so heavy in our lives that my decision was not an easy one.

Here I am, subbing. What difference am I really making? Sure, the kids love me, they hug me, they remember my name, but it's for one day. Maybe more if the teacher is ever out again and remembers me in the long list of substitutes. But the feeling of worthlessness and uselessness still eats away at me as I long for a classroom of my own, with my own students. Students who will know my expectations and know that I love them differently, that I am not just parroting another's orders.

I ask and pray that I know the right way when the time comes, but really, O Lord how long? How much longer must I wait? What is Your timing? Because it's definitely not immediate like a facebook update...

Beginning

This is my first entry. No idea what to write, since no one is going to read it. :)